This has got to be

THE LAST NIGHT I STAY UP PAST 2!!! Seriously, I start school on Monday and I slept until 12:30 this morning/afternoon. I have got to snap out of it! I can't even blame it on talking to Phish because on nights when we don't talk I have still stayed up this late.
I spent much of today with Rooks and company. We met a few new students and caught up with others we already knew. And they had these awesome organic strawberries in the CC at dinner, you know they had to have been grown on the schools farm for there to be so many, they aren't exactly cheap and this place doesn't have lots of money to spend on frills. And I just had a super juicy organic peach... my god, I am so glad there is organic food. The organic foods taste like what I remember from what we grew on our own little farm when I was young (in body). Once they throw so many petrol chemicals and salts on most foods (or the soils) and especially fruits, the taste has been sapped out of them. Sap is an odd word to use, but then that is exactly all that it is, right? A seed grows, but not really, the seed itself is just an energy warehouse, it contains all that is needed for a life/plant to grow, not the seed to grow. And what makes up the plant? The sap, the sap that nourishes the whole plant and that is guided by universal intelligence to model its energy/creativity into a life/plant that looks like ______ (rose, sunflower, pear tree, pepper, etc). Hmmmm, didn't take long to learn that.
My favorite tea right now is a mixture, one bag licorice and one bag peppermint. I do like it and its good for my digestion since I have been eating spicy food since Rooks came back.
I did talk to Phish earlier. His phone finally started to die so we called it a night, another 3 hours or so on the phone with him. I am going to have to exercise some serious will power with talking to him so long or so late next week. He replied to my email and then again on the phone addressed my concerns and basically said that since he feels so strongly about our potentials that he is fine waiting for an opportunity as we get to know each other. He asked what would I do if I came across someone who could very likely be my soul mate but who wasn't ready to fully commit to a relationship. He said he had to take the chance and that even if I break his heart that I am worth it. He is so sweet. Maybe that is part of my hesitation with him. I haven't much experience with sweet gentle men. Not sugar in the blood sweet, but endearingly sweet, you know? The last gentle guy I dated lied to me about the status of his divorce/marriage, not sweet. So far Phish hasn't said anything that has been painful. Not that he has to keep that up forever, but considering we talk for hours at a time, we are always in agreement or at least thinking about something in a new way to see a new point of view. I don't feel any competition at this point with him. Really nice. Maybe that has to do with my current lack of strong sexual attraction to him. Phish is like little boy cute, and that traditionally has not been my style. I just realized that most of the guys have been bad boys. Oh my, I am one of those! Whats wrong with me, that is so not who I am, or at least who I want to be. Surely sweet gentle guys can be exciting too, right? I don't want the bad boy anymore, I just like the excitement, self confessed adrenaline junky. Anything to get a fix, even selling out your heart. Pretty sad situation. But I think that because there isn't any of that bad boy tension there that my physical attraction to Phish is affected. Wow, that does kinda make some good sense. Knowing how my previous relationships unfolded, it makes a lot of sense. So maybe I just have to learn to find new things attractive. I have already refined my tastes in this area considerably, but more is needed, and not just for Phish. But if it benefits Phish and I, surely its worthwhile. I guess I have not been differentiating between (sexual) tension and true love and acceptance of the other person. Does this mean I am slow? I think that you have to do this to get married, but then maybe this is a big factor in divorce rates. I don't know. So since the tension between us is not stressful, my normal trigger isn't there. He was a complete gentleman when we kissed on the couch last week. Complete gentleman, he didn't even try to caress any of my turn on points. Strangely, though, I am not concerned about what it would be like if Phish and I became intimate. I am sure he is very skilled and considerate. I can feel that, and if I entertain the thought very much, I start to become turned on. I wonder if that would still happen if he was sitting here next to me instead of next state over? Am I just horny or do I really desire him? I will have to figure that out soon, and the only way will be through spending time in person. Just a few more weeks till our next visit.
Next up is 2 days of fun with old and new friends during campus activities. It'll be good to get started with school again. Phish has a gig tomorrow. He says some very beautiful, heartfelt things to me. He also says some cute funny things that I like. I told him that he's so funny he drives me crazy. It wasn't a comment that he is comedic like, more like a funny mixture of life. I don't know how to properly put it into words, words often escape me when I talk to him or even about him sometimes. Its not that we have a hard time communicating, because that is not the case. Rather there are somethings in life that are beyond the boundaries of words, and at that point words become useless and even desperate. Grasping, stuttering, stumbling over all the words in my vocabulary and nothing fits or even does it justice. Its like walking into the Vatican with a 24 roll exposure of film and trying to take the pictures that will accurately describe what it is to experience being in the Vatican. But when I am stumbling and stuttering all around like my vocabulary has reverted back to that of 2nd grade, he still understands what I am trying to convey to him. Its so powerful. I have never had this happen previously with other guys. I guess I just didn't feel much that was outside the boundaries of words with the others. Oh Phish. What am I going to do? Everything before now has been leading up to you.